No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
