I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
