Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
