i just made my gag reflex go away.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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