you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
