He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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