i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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