apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
