Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
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