remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
