Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
