I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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