My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
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I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
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Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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