I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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