i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
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More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
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I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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