dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Randomize
