I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
