Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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