I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
