I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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