The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
