Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
