in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
