can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
