Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
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