I wish I only lived at night.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
