woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
