found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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