Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize