That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
