Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Randomize
