I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
worst night to have a conscience
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
