i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
