my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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