Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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