well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
