my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
The adults are the big ones right?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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