you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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