I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
