He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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