I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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