I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
