The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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