He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
We had to coat check the pizza.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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