i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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