Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
