Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
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He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
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Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
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