So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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