guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
