What a fucking waste of an outfit
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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