Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You need a sexual gate keeper
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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