I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
