I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
