I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
