if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
sick fucks of a feather flock together
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
